92 years…still counting….

Tags

birthday, birthdays, caregiving, death, dying, family, hospice, life well lived, prayer

My friend Robin is one of the smartest people I know. She’s strong, Godly and has wisdom that I glean from! She shared a blog the other day about her Mother-in-law. It’s beautifully endearing yet profoundly sad and today, on Gran’s 92nd birthday, I can relate to every single thought and emotion.

When You’re Praying This is Her Last Mother’s Day

Watching a loved one reach closer to the end of their life is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I haven’t shared much, except with a small group of people. I don’t know why, really except it feels private. Yet, impending death doesn’t have to be a hush and taboo topic.

Gran has lived a great life in many ways. She’s loved and been loved well. She’s been a part of our small family’s life always, even if we all didn’t live in the same state. She’s been a Mom, Wife, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother and Great-Great Grandmother. Such an amazing blessing!

Today on her 92nd birthday, there will be no formal celebration. She is on hospice care now and won’t have the energy to celebrate. Today as I spoon fed her jello and stroked her hair, I was filled with so much love for this tiny woman who has loved me well. Loved my Mom, my Sister and our children well.

You may not have the energy to celebrate today, but we celebrate you. And love you so very, very much!

Happy 92nd Birthday Gran!

 

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The sun…..

Tags

beach, beauty, coffee, death, existence, family, god, life, love, majesty, orange beach, sun, sunrise, sunset, sunshine, work

Most of us go through our lives taking the simple and sweet things around us for granted.  Coffee….the pot is there.  The grounds… in a little pod or a grinder. The mugs carefully put away in the cabinet for the next visit.  Steaming hot and flavored and the mug fits easily in your hand. You sip and all is right with the world.  I take that for granted.

I take it for granted that each day my family will wake up from their slumber healthy and raring to go.  It’s not always going to be that way but I don’t go there. Yet I don’t appreciate enough that we are up and at it again.  I look across the table at my frail 90 year old Granny and am really trying to focus on not taking things or people for granted.

This morning, I woke up 5 minutes before the sunrise was scheduled to appear at the beach. I hurriedly got downstairs with my husband and we made our way to the beach. With coffee in hand, of course.

What was right before us was none other than majestic.  The clouds were surrounding the sun like they were protecting it.  The beautiful orange and pinks breaking through.  The waves on the beach rolling in to shore. It was a sight. A most beautiful sight.

I realized this morning that I take the sun for granted.  It’s there. Even on a rainy day, it eventually appears.  It sets at night and rises in the morning. It warms our bodies and darkens our skin. It can be dangerous if not respected. It doesn’t complain about the work to be done each and every single day of it’s existence. It. Just. Is.

Today, I am not taking the sun for granted.  Join me?

Orange Beach, Alabama

Arnold Palmer….

Tags

Arnold Palmer, childhood, Dad, death, family, god, golf, golf course, green, heaven

I grew up in a home where if my Dad was home, sports were on the television.  Didn’t matter what sport…..he loved them all.  But he had a special fondness for golf. He watched, he played, he built custom golf clubs.  He was in sales and in sales, deals are made on the golf course. And even if it wasn’t about a deal or networking, he was on the golf course.   An entire day was spent on the green and then a few drinks in the bar.  When Dad and my Other Mom moved to South Carolina, he spent some of his retirement working at a golf course. He loved it.  Was there all day, got to know the pros and played when he wanted to. Perfect retirement job.

In growing up with golf on the television, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus were a really big part of my childhood.  I didn’t know them. They didn’t know me.  But we sure knew who they were because of Dad’s obsession.

Today, Arnold Palmer passed away at the age of 87.  Dad passed away ten years ago at the age of 67.    We’ve often said that Dad is playing all of the golf that he wants and we are certain there is a beer somewhere near by.  I’m asking God now….let Dad play a round with Arnold Palmer. And someday, I can’t wait to hear all about it!!

Rest in peace Arnold Palmer. Thank you for the memories!

Photo from nolayingup.com

Arnold Palmer passes away at 87

Standing in Walmart was anything but normal today….

Tags

alcoholism, death, depression, grief, life, normal, suicide

I looked around at all of the faces while my other Mom and I stood in line to check out.  The young couple with the brand new baby; the man who had to get around the store in the motorized scooter; the lady with the long weave that was red and yellow and the lady behind us with the adorable little girl.  Everyone was living their lives, buying Easter baskets and candy, greeting cards, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, toilet paper….all of those things that make life, well life.  Just another day at Walmart!

But as I stared at those people,  I wondered how they could go on with their mundane tasks of Walmart shopping when I was standing here surrounded by my grief. When my heart was overwhelmed with sadness for my Mom and my family. When a limb from our family tree had broken off in the abrupt and deadly wind.  Didn’t these shoppers know I was mourning? Didn’t they know that they needed to not be so normal? Didn’t they know that inside I was screaming?

On Saturday, March 19, 2016 my Stepfather took his own life.  He had dealt with depression for quite a while.  His job was very stressful, especially in the last two years under different supervision, his relationship with his parents was broken, and he used alcohol as medication. I know that the demons inside of his head, mixed with vodka is what caused him to take that final step.  The one that made him say “enough is enough”; “I’m done”; “no one will care anyways”; “I’m worthless”; “I’m a burden to my family”.

At times, he was a burden. You didn’t know which guy you were going to get.  The sweet, funny, quirky helpful one or the one who had self-medicated and slurred a few words.  But he was never worthless.  Never did we want him gone. Never did we want him to say “I’m done”.  And the demons were wrong….we do care. And so many others do as well as evidenced by the over 200 people who showed up to his Celebration of Life Service.

He was a smart man. Brilliant many have said.  He worked tirelessly to make the lives of our soldiers better. He developed projects that helped to save their lives. Besides his family, his entire world revolved around the Green Suiters.  The military has lost one of their more formidable advocates.  Our family has lost a presence for the past 26 years.

The saying “he’d give you the shirt off of his back” was created for him. That’s the kind of guy he was. Always wanting to help. Always wanting to make life better for someone.  I remember one time making a dumb comment about a waitress in a small town restaurant. I don’t even recall what it was but I do recall how upset he was at me and how he defended this young woman he didn’t even know.  He was always a proponent of the underdog and fought tirelessly for them.

He has, in one way or another whether financially or through physical labor supported everyone in our family.  If someone was in need of a computer, he found one.  A car? He gave one to someone for minimal cost because he cared about her future. Food? Always handing someone food. Always trying to feed someone.  Always wanting to nurture.  The times I tossed him out of my kitchen for “helping”.

He was a quirky guy but much of that can be attributed to the fact that he was truly brilliant.  We’ve all been around people like this. So smart that they can’t hold a regular conversation? That was him.  He would try to explain something to you but you’d tune out within minutes because he used words that you never heard of. He wasn’t doing it to show off his intellectual superiority. He was doing it because it was all he knew.

Depression started to change him and it finally took full hold.  He is at peace now but has left behind a slew of people who are wondering what happened. Why. Him? No way. Not him. Scratching our heads. Wiping our eyes. And wondering how to move forward.

Worthless? No.  Loved greatly? Yes.  Not cared about? No. Missed terribly.  Yes!  The demons have lost control over him and now, he can truly rest in peace.

And when we see him again, and we believe we will, I believe he will have finally realized how much he was loved and cared about.

Crying for someone….

Tags

crush, death, faith, jesus, lightening, religion, sadness, skating, tears

that I haven’t seen in many, many years. Feels almost silly or as if the tears would be forced.  Haven’t seen him since a niece had a skate party and we just happened to be in town after a move to Massachusetts and were able to go.  The skate rink…..spent so many hours there.  Christian Skate Night on Tuesday nights with my bestie during college.  Taking the school age kids twice a week during the summer when I ran Shady Oaks summer program (even drove a school bus!).

I remember one of my favorite songs to skate to back then….Gloria.  The guy who worked the day care skate days.  He was young, cute and wore white pants (Why white pants? I do not know! Never a good idea guys.)

The people I met on Tuesday nights.  The older couple….the husband called me “Brown Sugar” because of my dark skin.  I think his wife ended up calling me that, too.

Rich and Cathy and their daughter.  They were pretty good to me. Opened their home up to me and I stayed there for a summer between sophomore and junior year in college.  They fed me frog legs and turtle for the first time. It was the last time, too.

And then there was Tony.  Tony was the manager of the skating rink.  He was about 5 years older than me and had a twinkle in his eye and a smile that was unmistakable.    He drove hot cars and the young girls at the rink were drawn to him. He was a nice guy. Like, a really nice guy.  I had such a crush on him.

I remember many conversation in the booths at the snack bar at the rink. See, Tony was Catholic and I was Christian.  Back then, it never occurred to me that there were Catholics who were Christians, too.  I lived in my own little bubble of how I thought and was taught that Jesus was and if you didn’t fit within that mold, well, you needed my guidance.  So, Tony and I had great conversations about religion, denominations, personal relationships with Jesus, man-made rules, faith and hope. And even though I’d go back and change much of what I may have said, our conversations were still deep and solid.

I’m pretty sure I wanted to be sure that Tony was a believer so that I could possibly date him.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was the case.

I remember someone at school telling me that I shouldn’t witness to Tony because he might accept Jesus just because he liked me.  I found that to be the most foolish advice I’d ever been given and I’m glad to this day that I ignored it. We still talked faith. We talked about a lot of things.

I remember sitting in a bank line once.  I was in the very far lane and the teller came over the intercom and said “the guy in lane one says hello”.  I looked over and sure enough, it was Tony.  I’m pretty sure I smiled for a week. He was so adorable.

August 2009, Tony was playing golf and was stuck by lightening.  He spent the next six years in a wheelchair and made his residence in a nursing home.  I watched videos of him celebrating his birthday there and that twinkle in his eyes and that beautiful smile remained.

Tony passed away March 19, 2015.  On my birthday, no less.

The last time I saw Tony in person was at the skate party I mentioned above. I laced up my skates, after many moons of not doing so, stood up, felt a bit of vertigo because, like, when did I get so tall??? And once I got myself adjusted to the wheels again, I skated over to Tony and said “remember me?”.  He said “how could I forget!”.

Tony, there is not a chance I will ever forget you!

Kara Tippetts….

Tags

breast cancer, cancer, death, dying, faith, family, friends, god, grace, hard, healing, Kara tippetts, love

I have followed Kara Tippett’s blog, Mundane Faithfulness for quite a while now.  I introduced her to several of my friends and all of us have been touched by her heart, her grace and her hard.  She exemplified for us all what it means to live a life that trusts fully in her Creator. In the One who made her and the One who will take her home.

He did take her home this past week while I was in Guatemala.  I saw the post one evening at the hotel and I was heartbroken.  Sad for the loss of this sister in Christ that I have yet to meet and sad for her family. Her precious Jason with whom she has truly had a “love story” and her four beautiful children.

Kara is no longer in pain. No more tears.  No more hard. But her family and friends are left with hard. The hard of how to go on without her.

God used Kara in so many of our lives.  And He has taken His daughter home with Him. She will live on. Her words will continue to transform lives. She will continue to be used by God even beyond her life here on earth.

Thank you Kara.

http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/3/25/letter-to-my-readers-upon-my-death

Good Friday…..

Tags

believers, burial, cross, death, Easter, faith, Good friday, hope, love, resurrection, sin

 

My husband, son and I went to our church’s Good Friday service last night.  It was thoughtful, contemplative, inspiring and moving. Although I had a moment about an hour before the service when that little voice told me that it was okay to stay home and chill out and that no one was expecting us, I’m so glad that the white hat won because there is truly no where else that could have been more important ~for me~ than attending that service and recalling with deep emotion what Christ did on the cross for me.

Believers as a whole love Easter. We shop, spend gobs of money, dress up, eat well afterwards and celebrate the Risen Lord. But where are the masses on Good Friday? Why is it not a priority? Why aren’t the pews filled to the brim like they are on Easter Sunday?  Would there be an Easter morning without Good Friday.  Christ went to the cross and rose from the grave in three days.  Had He not gone to the grave, what would He arose from?  It’s a complete package!  We go and celebrate that He is Risen but we don’t give Him the due for being crucified…..yes, crucified on a cross.

Good Friday brings about those emotions. That gratitude. You hear sniffles in the crowd as you really take the time to contemplate the sacrifice.  The songs bring tears to your eyes because you are in a place that is solemn and humbling and you remember. You recall your first Love. You feel so unworthy that One should have gone through so much pain. Such torment. How could this have happened to our Savior? Our Friend? Our Father? Our Jesus?

My hope is that all believers would take a moment to contemplate Christ’s death on the cross.  His brutal death for My sins. Our sins. Every last one of us. Let’s not just show up Sunday morning in our pretty dresses and suits happy that He has Risen! Mourn His suffering before we rejoice in His resurrection!   Praising Him for the complete package!

Preparing to say Goodbye……

Tags

cancer, death, faith, family, goodbye, health, hope, love, party, sickness

How do you say goodbye, knowing that you probably won’t see this person again before they pass away?  What words do you use? Do you talk about what is looming behind the shadows? Do you state the obvious? Or do you pretend like it’s not happening. Do you say “I’ll miss you”?  Do you say “See you soon!”?  Or maybe “See you on the other side”?

We’re planning a trip to WI to see my husband’s Mother. She has cancer and it’s taken full residence in her body and there is nothing that can be done.  She was given 6 months to live about 4 months ago. When she told my husband, she seemed to have real peace. She had come to terms with what would be happening and seemed “ok” with it, much to our surprise.  She had one request though. She wanted, while she was still able to health-wise, to have a big party with family and friends. An all day party.  At a local bar.  So, we are traveling north to have a party in a bar on a Monday.  It’s quirky, unusual and perfect for her!  There we’ll hang out, eat, drink, tell stories and just be together. Family. Friends. Loves.  That part of it excites me.  The hugs goodbye later….no. 

My hub and I have been married 25 years this year. She’s been my MIL for 25 years. His Mom for 46.  A Nanny to our children for 24 and 22. She’s not perfect.  I’m not perfect. We wish there was more relationship than what we’ve had in the last 10 years but life works out differently than we plan sometimes.  It’s okay. It is what it is. But even if we wished for more, we wish even more that her time wasn’t being cut off so soon. And knowing what is to come makes it even more difficult. Knowing she’ll suffer and feel pain and basically deteriorate, well……pretty tough stuff.  Been there before with loved ones. Least. Favorite. Thing. Ever.  But, there’s hope. Hope on the other side.  She was baptized as an adult. Oh happy day! And recommitted herself to a life in Christ. 

^3-5 I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone—all the first order of things gone.” The Enthroned continued, “Look! I’m making everything new. Write it all down—each word dependable and accurate.”  Revelation 21:4  (The Message)

God is in the neighborhood. He’s in families. In love. In cancer.  Goodbye’s are temporary with the hope of His face!

Oh Happy Day!

Tags

autism, children, death, joy, parents, proposal, sorrow, wedding

For the past several years, January 31st hasn’t been a happy day for me.  I wasn’t gloom and doom sad but just felt melancholy on that day. It’s the day my Dad was born and since I no longer have him, there’s just not been anything to celebrate on that day.  In fact, I think of him more, miss him more, wish I could talk to him more, wish I could hear his voice again, wish….wish…wish.

But this year, things changed. My only son, Jacob (yes, the one from a post a few months back who had a brain tumor) proposed to his longtime girlfriend Jamie!  When Jacob was talking about dates to propose, we thought about Dad’s birthday and Jacob jumped on that day. It would be perfect! Bring joy back to a day that generally brought lots of memories but no overwhelming joy.  (boy, am I sounding like a downer? Don’t mean to be….but if you’ve lost someone you understand…tough to feel jovial on dates that are directly related to them.)  

Well, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? :-))  This past Friday, my Dad would have been 75 years old!  We lost him when he was 67…much too young!!  And now this day has been made sweeter and I’d like to think that my Dad was cheering from the great golf course up above when Jacob proposed to Jamie!

They have been together just under four years. They are good together!  Meant to be! Inevitable!   

I’ve always had two requirements, if you will, for Jacob’s wife:  

1.  She loves God.  

2.  She loves Megan, Jacob’s older sister who has autism.

(I did add in a 3rd one a few years back….that she’s orphan so that I don’t have to split time with other grandparents but that was just silly talk. Or was it?? ~wink~)  

Seriously though, Jamie meets my “requirements”.  She has a heart for service, just like Jacob. They both have a heart for missions, which we love and support! And she loves Megan. And Megan loves her (even though she asks every night, “When’s Jamie going home??”  She does that because she is ready for bed but won’t go until we’re all going. :-))

Sadness can become joy!  

Joy was scattered on that day, Friday January 31, 2014.  

Oh happy day!!