Complicating joy…..

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blog, faith, god, Guatemala, hope, joy, life, missions, money, prayer, trust

To quote Kelly Minter from her study, Nehemiah: a heart that can break…..

“I admit that I’ve complicated joy.  I’ve tangled it up with health, financial security, a nice home, entertainment, pleasures, career advances, and relationships.  We could all keep the list going.  “If we have a vacation on the books, we have joy.  If the promotions happens, the dress fits, the boy calls, well then…joy! We look for little pockets of happiness to sustain us like quarters being popped into our joy meters- which are always ticking, always gobbling up whatever we just fed them.”  True joy is different.  Unencumbered, uncomplicated joy needs nothing but the presence of Christ to light its wick in our hearts.  Joy frees us from “having to constantly feed the meter with our next big plan, pleasure or purchase.” 1

How many of us could have written the same paragraph? I know I could have!  I have based my joy upon my circumstances just about my entire life.  I’ve compared myself to others, wanted to keep with up with the Joneses (whoever they may be) and forgot my priorities.  Or did I ever even have any good ones? Any that meant anything?

I feel as though my entire world has changed. How can you not see something like this….

and not be affected.  How can I keep living my life as if there aren’t children who lay their heads on these pallets every single night as they go to sleep? I simply can’t. I won’t.

But now I sit here, tears brimming and ask God, “what can I do to make a difference?”.  What can I do? Where do I need to be?  How can I effectively help?

I’m trying hard to listen. I’m trying to fully know what God intends.  He wouldn’t place such a burden on my heart and expect me to sit idly by, doing nothing.  Buying new cars, stocking up my portfolio, looking for a new handbag…daily, wondering if I should buy these awesome boots in brown, too.  All of these little things that have such little meaning now.

I am using this blog today therapeutically. I am prayerful. Hopeful. Trusting that God will reveal Himself to me through this burden I carry so deeply.  I know I’m not alone. I can think of a few friends immediately who share this burden. Family members who do as well. I’m not alone. But alone, I need to hear from God. Next steps, Lord? Don’t allow me to complicate my joy. My joy has to come from You and only You, even amidst this burden.

Measles are better than autism…..

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autism, autism speaks, children, contagious, daughter, family, love, measles, protecting, shots, special education, vaccination, WHO

Do people really think this?  If we hold back the vaccinations, then “my child won’t get autism”.  If it were a choice between the two, I’d choose autism.

First, let me say that I do not believe that my daughter’s autism is caused by vaccinations. Oh how I tried to blame them!  Blame the shots!  Blame the doctor! Blame my husband and myself! Blame God!  It had to be someone’s fault that this happened, right? Someone must pay! Someone is accountable!

Not the shots. The timing didn’t line up, no matter how badly I wanted there to be a reason.

My child hasn’t gotten the measles but she has autism.  She will, unless a miracle drug appears, have autism for the remainder of her days. She will always need support in some fashion or another. She will need to be protected. She will need to be reminded to not wear the same shirt every single day. She will need to be told to go take her shower and brush her teeth, even though she’s 25 years old. She…. will need.

But is having a child with autism the worst thing in the world? Yes, it definitely changed the path we thought we would take.  Prom dresses, a wedding dress, going to the mall, grandbabies and more….these things we haven’t had. We won’t have.

Yet we’ve had the joy of knowing people we never would have met because of her autism.  Teachers and doctors who have invested themselves into her life and our world.  Family and friends who have shown themselves to be the real deal, loving her in spite of her issues.  She doesn’t care about the latest fashion….a t shirt makes her happy.  She’s never cared about where she sits in the car. She doesn’t care if she has a blue cup or a red cup. She hasn’t snuck out of her bedroom window in the middle of the night to meet up with a boy.  She hasn’t been driven home after too much fun at a high school party.  She hasn’t had the heartache that goes along with choosing the wrong guy to love.  She dances, like no one is watching. She lives her life that way. Her way.

Is it really better to subject your child to measles more than autism? I don’t think so. Measles are contagious, autism isn’t.  Measles kill children, autism doesn’t.  Measles kill around 400 people a day.  That’s 16 deaths an hour globally according to the World Health Organization.  According to Autism Speaks, 1 in 42 boys and 1 in 189 girls are being diagnosed with autism. Yes, it’s an epidemic.  But….our children are alive!  They are living! They are laughing; smiling; having tantrums; being demanding but they are….alive!

Doesn’t being alive beat the alternative?  I will look at the beautiful face of my daughter and say yes. Yes, it sure does!

http://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/faq

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs286/en/

I’ve decided against Fifty Shades…..

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books, christian grey, fifty shades, god, heart, Kelly Minter, missions, Nehemiah, Serve

and I’m hesitant to say why in the fear of offending those of my friends who are going to see it this week.  I was going to be one of them.  I read the books. Was mesmerized by the character of Christian Grey and wanted to be Anastasia Steele a time or two.  To be swept off my feet by someone with money and power, able to whisk me away to a romantic dinner in another city on his private plane…..well, who wouldn’t want that?  But then the “other stuff” happened.  The stalking, the control, the fear.  I don’t understand the world of bondage although I have friends who have participated and some that still do.  I don’t understand the feeling of wanting to be controlled and the feeling of wanting to control others by demeaning them to things that seem, well….demeaning!  I’m not sure it’s a world I will ever fully understand.

Lately, my heart has been changing.  In the last year, I’ve been to a foreign land twice on a mission trip.  Although it’s only been twice, I feel like I’ve been there a long time as my soul is fully invested. And since that time, God has timed it perfectly for me that some studies I am doing are focused on mission-type work (locally and globally).  One of the current studies I am doing is Nehemiah….a heart that can break by Kelly Minter.  In one of her videos that go along with the series, she talked about her own personal conviction of putting things into her mind that are not necessarily in line with her beliefs.  She referenced going to see movies that crossed the line, “but Lord, they are funny!”.  And God said back to her, “Kelly, if it put me on the cross, then it isn’t funny.”  Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

That phrase has stuck with me and penetrated my soul deeply.  There is no question in my mind that for me, I am not supposed to see this movie.  For me personally, I don’t believe it is a healthy representation of the kind of sexual relationship that God created.  I may sound like a stick in the mud to some and that’s okay.  I can live with that.

I won’t judge others who see it. That’s not my place. This is only why I am not going to see it.  Christian Grey and I have officially broken up and I’m okay with that.

When you can’t talk about it…..

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change, essential oils, frustration, god, Kelly Minter, love, Nehemiah, obedience, prayer, young living

We’ve all had times in our lives when we feel alone. When we can’t be open about what is going on.  When we have to put on our game faces and go through the motions even though we are hurting or angry inside.  There are times we just can’t talk about it for fear of what people will think of the person who has caused us harm.

I’ve been there.  Kept something inside for three weeks, was spiraling into a slow depression because of it but knew I couldn’t say anything to anyone other than my husband. Now, I love my husband dearly. He is a wonderful guy. Hardest working man I know.  Good provider. Funny as heck. But….he doesn’t really have that ability like a girlfriend does when it comes to sharing what is troubling us.  But, I had to hold it in.

I feel like I am there again.  Not so much hurt this time as so unbelievably frustrated that I can’t sleep. That I’m up typing on my blog at midnight. That I lay in bed with my eyes wide open staring at my Young Living Diffuser doing it’s thing.  So. Unbelievably frustrated.

And then I remember the study I am doing on Nehemiah right now (Kelly Minter. Amazing).  And I remember that each time a situation presented itself, the first thing Nehemiah did was go to the Lord in prayer.  His trust in God was relentless.  Read his prayer found in Chapter One of his book….

“Lord, the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, ⁶ let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father’s family, have committed against you. ⁷ We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.⁸ “Remember the instruction you gave your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the nations, ⁹ but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.’¹⁰ “They are your servants and your people, whom you redeemed by your great strength and your mighty hand. ¹¹ Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man.”

Nehemiah confessed his own sins. He didn’t just look at the other person’s faults.  He realized that he too had been wrong a time or two.  He prayed that God would be attentive to his prayer.  He prayed for success by giving him favor (before the King).

I confess I am not perfect. I know I am Type A. I am a planner. I am an organizer.  I see the big picture. And when dealing with people who are not any of those things, I am certain I can get on their nerves pretty quickly.  I struggle with not getting that people aren’t necessarily on the same page as I am. Sometimes I’ve off on a completely different page and other times, I am 20 pages ahead of them. It’s a struggle being me. Truly.

I’ve prayed this evening for those who have frustrated the tar out of me. It isn’t easy.  I get distracted wanting to tell God all of the ways they have offended me. He already knows!! Silly me!

And then I end up praying that God will change hearts. Change minds. Help love to come. To arrive. To show up. Love, please show up!

Remember the phrase “Let Go and let God”?  That just this second came to me. So simple in it’s delivery.  Yes. Let go and let God!  Tonight, right after I click “publish” I am going to exhale loudly and let it go and let my God handle it. My worrying, my fretting, my frustration will not change the circumstances.  So what do I need to do? Keep talking to God and only Him and pray for my own ‘tude to be reflecting the Kingdom in a beautiful and positive way.

Ready?  Set.  Inhale deeply………….now exhale………

I’m wrecked…..

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Chuluc, family, foreign, give, god, Guatemala, justice, love, marriage, mercy, mission, missionary, parenting, serving, wrecked

 

I can’t remember where I first heard that word “wrecked” when it applies to something that has captured your heart.  Maybe it was just recently in the study of Nehemiah by Kelly Minter that we are doing Thursday mornings.  Maybe it was something in one of the many shared blogs via Facebook.  I wish I could remember because I’d like to credit them for putting a word to my feelings.

My name is Denise and I am wrecked.  I am wrecked for the people of Guatemala. I am wrecked for the Village of Chuluc.  I don’t know how to become unwrecked (is that a word?) and I don’t know if I want to.  I am wrecked for missions around the globe.  I am wrecked for what my eyes now see and what my heart is longing for. Simply wrecked.

What do I do with this?  I am a married woman (25 years. Yay!), a mother of two grown children and a caregiver to my Grandmother.  I have a child who will need my help for the rest of my days. I have a dog.  If I were 22 years old with no obligations, I think I would go. Somewhere. Live among the people. Serve.

When I was in high school I wanted to be a missionary to Barcelona, Spain. Why there?  My former youth pastor and his family left their ministry at our church and served as missionaries in Barcelona.  That was fascinating to me. Foreign country, still serving God. Very cool!

As I got older, I always had a passion for missions.  I married a man who also shared that passion.  We never got on a plane to go anywhere but we provided funding to several missionaries over the years. Somehow God provided even when on paper, it didn’t look feasible.  We went to a church outside of Boston that was strongly involved in missions. Regular trips to foreign countries and the photos of the many missionary families the church supported. Loved that about that church!

So, missions has always tugged at my heartstrings. But. Actually getting on a plane and being there in a place of such need. Oh my.  The things my eyes saw can’t be unseen.  And I don’t want them to be.  I don’t ever, ever want to forget.

I live in a world where it’s commonplace for kids to get anything their hearts desire. A strong work ethic is being lost on the younger generation because parents are doing everything for them.  A child can barely sneeze without a Mom being right there with a tissue. Even at 16 years of age!  The amount of kids who get through college and have never held a paying job are astounding. There is this sense of entitlement because the parents have instilled this.

Go into a foreign land and what do you see?  Children with a strong work ethic. You see children who are caring for their younger siblings while their parents are working in the field.  Young girls, 7, 8 and up who are toting around up to 3 younger siblings. Mothering them. Parenting them. Nurturing them.  You see young boys, in their work boots, out in the fields helping Dad instead of sitting in a classroom getting an education.  Sixth grade is about the tops for that.  You see people, who have absolutely nothing yet are so willing to give.  I have come home with several sweet gifts from families in Chuluc and I cherish them.  Again, they have nothing but they go around their home to find something to give away.  What do we do in our country? Store it all up. Fill each room with stuff. More and more stuff.  I’m so weary over stuff.

I love these people. I love their hearts.  I love that in the midst of their poverty and life-circumstances, you still can find joy. You find community. You find giving hearts.

My name is Denise and I am wrecked!